Blog Entry #1 - My Life is a Bad Soap Opera

Ding Dong. Text: Hey, what are you up to?

The blue-lit screen of my cell phone seemed to me the equivolent of staring directly into the sun, as I sat re-watching Gossip Girl in my room. There were several options in my option bag, but every notion I plucked out didn't exactly feel right. I had to face the fact: I had to reply.

Let me re-cap a little, to give a little insight as to why I was hesitant.
Rewind the tape to Friday morning, on a muggy autumn day. Classes began, and ended just as quickly in my mind. I was too pre-occupied with thinking about the impending shopping trip to Square One. I had my list set, my makeup done, and well I might not have looked like sex-on-legs, but I was fairly presentable in my own opinion.

Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Text tag went on for a while, but eventually I found myself on the bus seated next to the handsome stranger whom I was going to find myself immersed in a whole lot of shit-hitting-the-fan with.

To actually describe the shopping trip without bias is impossible. We went from going into the most ridiculously over-priced garbage on mannequins' stores, to the oddest restaurant that I've ever seen, (but presented me with the most delectable hot dog I could have ever ate), and then into Wal-Mart for last minute shit before we left for the day.

Now, onto behavioural studies. I'm not a psychic, but I'm also not stupid. I know in my intuitive processing when something is awkward with someone. Could it have been the fact that during the entire six-hour duration of the trip he was texting someone else? Could it have been the going for a kiss and receiving one on the forehead; similar to when your mother put you to bed when you were five? Could it have been the strange body language, or the half-smiles, or the intense silent treatment sessions that only talking to a tombstone could have compared to?

Well, yeah. Actually, it was all of those things.

I'm not going to lie, I was feeling pretty shitastic by the end of this shopping trip. All the previous excitement built up for this had all but deflated by the time we stepped off the bus and back onto campus grounds. After making plans to obtain a phone call that night to meet up and go to a party, without a backward glance he walked away from me and in turn I went the opposite way back to my place.

Alright, so. I'm not the most socially inclined person so if this sounds pathetic... It probably is. I actually sat at home watching Video on Trial vids on Youtube practically the entire night. By 11:30 PM, I was starting to wonder where the FUCK my phonecall was. So, of course. I called.

"Hello?"
"Hey! What's up?"
"Oh, hey. Not much. Just at a pre-party at Russia's. You?"
Laughter erupts from the background. Anger rises.
"Oh, not much. So, when are we meeting at that party?"
Glaring at innocent pop can of Dr Pepper.
"I'm not sure. I think we're going to be heading over there soon, so I'll give you a call. Okay?"
"Oh, sure. See you then."
"Bye."
"Bye bye."

An hour passes, and still no phone call. So, at this juncture I'm pretty much ready to kick his face into something solid, but malleable like a metal garbage can lid. I send a text that I'm going to bed.

Saturday rolls around, and passes. Sunday rolls around, laundry commences, and somewhere late in the afternoon I receive a text. Miffed at myself for being pleased, expecting an apology, or even to hang out. I get,

Ding Dong. Text: Hey, have you gotten The Eternal Frontier yet?

I have to say, the socks I was folding almost died at this time. Luckily I restrained myself, and saved a pair of socks. So, after practically living through a comedy-romance movie, always in one another's company since school began. I was given the cold shoulder, brushed off, and kicked to the curb like a bubblegum wrapper that was found at the bottom of your purse. Better left forgotten.

Let me be the first to say that despite it all, I wasn't, and still am not ready to be in an official relationship.

However, this did hurt my feelings and subsequentially... My pride. I have a habit of laying down all my cards, and wearing my heart on my sleeves first. Then ask questions later. This is not really a benefit to me, or anyone else for that matter. I usually find people running off in the other direction because of the minor skeletons in my closet
.
Then, only yesterday I find out that he just realized that he had brushed me off a little. JUST. Well, what a crock of shit. So, I told him over MSN how I felt about the whole situation, and received a few apologies and a promise to make it up to me.
Hmph, we'll see about that.

On a side note: To put it eloquently, I aptly named him SFB. Or, Shit for Brains. This nickname occurred to me while I was fuming over the weekend while stories poured in of him taking his shirt off for random girls at a random party.

Miffed at myself again, I knew I hadn't and probably won't for a long time, forgive him. I was just pissed off that I even wanted to try.
Now, back to the present.

Morning comes around. I feel worse than if someone slipped me influenza through an IV overnight. Actually, I'd consider that that's what had happened. Over a series of seven hours, I somehow woke up with my head so hot I was primarily worried that my room was on fire. Only in this, the heat radiated from my face! I couldn't go to class like this! So, I texted SFB and told him something probably in French.

I honestly can't remember... I couldn't make it to class, but I made plans to meet up with him after it was over. I'd have never of made it in three minutes. Not a chance. So, good on my word. I'm there in time for him to come out of the North Building with a beautiful lady on his shoulder.

Don't ask me her name, I'd never remember. It didn't surprise me, because he seems like the kind of person who needs some sort of attention fixated on him from a female visitor. Funny thing, I wasn't even jealous.

So we eat breakfast, and during I give him some of my insight on his behavioural portrayals. I didn't want to, but he forced it out of me. My observations were pretty accurate, but what I really wanted to say is that he could be one cold-hearted bastard when he wanted to be.

Lucky I have some self restraint. We ended up in his dorm room upstairs from the cafeteria, and somewhere along the lines we discussed our issues. Number One: His insecurity on sexual peformance led him to kick me to the side.
"Inadvertantly".
Number Two: Some words I used led him to think I actually wanted a more-than-friend relationship, and this too led him to kick me to the side.
"Inadvertantly".

So, that's on the table now eh? He already knew my feelings on the matter, but I felt I had to tell him that both of those things were a huge mistake to have even considered. We decided it best to be only friends.

Which is essentially what we had always been in the first place. Back at square one, again. It's fine by me, because I know I don't want to give him any more leverage to hurt me like he had before.

Then, stupid human being that I am, gave into temptation. Yet again, again... again. Ahem, again. He kissed me, several times. How can someone hold back when the fundamental basis of your 'friendship' is built up on physical attraction? It's stupid, yeah yeah. It's risky, yeah yeah. It's actually a really fast-paced, rocky, whatever-you-call-this-relationship. Benefit with friend? I can't really call it the other way around, as it wouldn't be correct.

Shit has hit the fan, yet again.

I just hope at some point, I'll find someone who can actually take all the cards I laid down, scoop up every skeleton from my closet, grab hold of all my vices and somehow still love me. Isn't that idealistic?

And so my life continues from this point forth as a really bad soap opera.